Are the Blazers for real?

While there’s no conclusive evidence that the Blazers are not real, we cannot ignore the possibility. Are the Blazers mythical? Metaphysical? Monsters created by man to confuse and delight us?


Having never seen any of these players close up, I am personally unable to rule out robotic or magical characteristics.

Blazers I have met: Bonzi Wells and Jerome Kersey. Former Blazer I have seen close up: Clyde Drexler. I am reasonably certain that these people exist in a manner similar to human men. Current Blazers? I’ve only seen them from the 300 level. And that one game from the 200 level. But I’m near-sighted, so even then, it’s hard to discern any telltale signs of non-humanity.

Side note: My husband peed at a urinal next to Clyde, but insists that he did not “look.” Some day, I’ll get him drunk and find out the truth.

Hologram technology is improving.

Holograms, as far as I know, cannot throw basketballs, but they can project images of 25-foot 3-point swishes. You tell me why a real NBA player would take and hit those shots all the time.

The cast of characters is a little too spot-on.

You’ve got your Texas boy with a heart of gold (and a delicate heart to boot), a kid from the mean streets of Oakland who’s fought his way to the top, the non-drafted player with something to prove, a French enigma who watched his father die playing basketball, and a goofy-haired giant. How is this not an after-school special already?

Is any team real?

I mean, when you really think about it, man?

Paul Allen may have the money and technical backing to create a team of “other” players.

If anyone does, it’s this guy. Or Bill Gates. They’re buddies, right? Who says Bill isn’t dabbling in fake basketball teams when he’s not off curing malaria? They must have some leisure activities other than hanging out on super yachts.

What is all this about “going to the Drake concert” together?

Sounds like code for something.

No one has ever seen a unicorn and Damian Lillard at the same time.





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