Are the Blazers for real?

While there’s no conclusive evidence that the Blazers are not real, we cannot ignore the possibility. Are the Blazers mythical? Metaphysical? Monsters created by man to confuse and delight us?


Having never seen any of these players close up, I am personally unable to rule out robotic or magical characteristics.

Blazers I have met: Bonzi Wells and Jerome Kersey. Former Blazer I have seen close up: Clyde Drexler. I am reasonably certain that these people exist in a manner similar to human men. Current Blazers? I’ve only seen them from the 300 level. And that one game from the 200 level. But I’m near-sighted, so even then, it’s hard to discern any telltale signs of non-humanity.

Side note: My husband peed at a urinal next to Clyde, but insists that he did not “look.” Some day, I’ll get him drunk and find out the truth.

Hologram technology is improving.

Holograms, as far as I know, cannot throw basketballs, but they can project images of 25-foot 3-point swishes. You tell me why a real NBA player would take and hit those shots all the time.

The cast of characters is a little too spot-on.

You’ve got your Texas boy with a heart of gold (and a delicate heart to boot), a kid from the mean streets of Oakland who’s fought his way to the top, the non-drafted player with something to prove, a French enigma who watched his father die playing basketball, and a goofy-haired giant. How is this not an after-school special already?

Is any team real?

I mean, when you really think about it, man?

Paul Allen may have the money and technical backing to create a team of “other” players.

If anyone does, it’s this guy. Or Bill Gates. They’re buddies, right? Who says Bill isn’t dabbling in fake basketball teams when he’s not off curing malaria? They must have some leisure activities other than hanging out on super yachts.

What is all this about “going to the Drake concert” together?

Sounds like code for something.

No one has ever seen a unicorn and Damian Lillard at the same time.





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Blazers championship run ended by toe

The Portland Trail Blazers’ 2014 championship run has been effectively ended by an injury to C.J. McCollum, a 2013 draft pick, according to some fans.

“This ruins everything,” says Jake McPaddle of Beaverton. “After we added Mo Williams, I knew we had one of the best backcourts in the league. Now? Who knows. We’ll probably only win about 20 games.”

Nat Rudreaux of Tigard had similar concerns. “The addition of C.J., Crabbe, and T-Rob really could have put us over the top. Now that C.J. is out, though, we have to depend on our veterans, and we already know what they can do. They’re just okay.”

“This always happens to us,” says Kristin Jones of Gresham. “Always. The Blazers have the worst luck of any team in the history of sports. It’s the Curse of the Cotton Underpants.”

Blazers fans do not feel good.

Blazers fans do not feel good.

Blazers fans have no real indication of how the rookie guard might perform in the NBA, with or without a broken metatarsal, but that hasn’t stopped them from wailing and gnashing their teeth. Other  #10 draft picks include Austin Rivers, Jimmer Fredette, Paul George, Brandon Jennings, Brook Lopez, Spencer Hawes, Mouhamed Sene, Andrew Bynum, and Luke Jackson.

“Luke Jackson had nice hair,” said Rob Waggoner of Portland, dreamily, for a moment. “What were we talking about? The other Lopez got drafted at number 10. Oh yeah! We have Robin Lopez! Maybe everything is going to be all right after all.”

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Beat L.A. – Please?

Okay, before we begin, I know that Wesley Matthews, JJ Hickson, and Nicholas Batum all might be out for the game tonight. Having experienced defensive players who can go against Kobe, and bodies to go against Dwight Howard, would help the cause. My hopes are lessened somewhat, but not gone.

The NBA – where weirder things have happened.


The Blazers are not going to the playoffs this season, guys. We’ve been mathematically eliminated, and I’m okay with that. Who would have guessed that this team’s early success wouldn’t pan out? Um, me! I would have guessed, along with everyone who saw how many minutes the starters were playing and how short our bench was. That was a pretty good indication that the team’s success wasn’t going to be sustainable, barring any major mid-season moves. You need interior defense and a bench to win a lot of games. We have some nice pieces, but not enough of them.

Are we agreed? Okay, let’s move on.

Despite this, it’s been a fun season to watch. We’ve got an All-Star and probably a Rookie of the Year. We’ve lost some games we shouldn’t have lost, but we won some games we had no business winning. My husband and I were at a sucky game, yeah, but we were also there when Damian got his first buzzer-beater for the win. Guess which one I’ll remember in ten years.

Just as sweet, for much of the year, we were ahead of the Lakers in the standings.

And it felt so good.

The Blazers weren’t so hot, but they weren’t SUPPOSED to be. We’re in a holding pattern, hoping for draft picks and waiting for some cap space to open up for this summer’s free agency market.  If you can’t win, you can at least enjoy watching your enemies suffer.

The Lakers were supposed to be good, but they sucked. Kobe complained, and they kept sucking. They had injuries, but who doesn’t? More complaining and finger-pointing. More sucking.

Eventually, their roster caught up to them, too. While we stopped over-performing, the Lakers stopped under-performing. Still, it might be too little too late.

The Lakers might not make the playoffs.

The Blazers could help keep them out of it.

Who says these last games aren’t meaningful?

If the Blazers can get up for this game, and beat the Lakers, I’ll consider this a successful season. I’ll start the slow clap and the standing ovation (in my living room).

If not, life will go on. We’ll get a lottery pick, and maybe it’ll be as good as the last one.

Before that, though, wouldn’t it be great to give Kobe one more thing to complain about?


Bonus! Google results for:

Kobe calls out Pau Gasol”

Kobe calls out Dwight Howard





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We don’t boo the Blazers in this family

So I have this unborn child inside me. He’s about the size of a banana, just kind of swimming around and growing and enjoying second-hand ice cream. The idea of bringing a little dude into the world makes me look around more closely at boys all around me and their various behaviors. Upon seeing a kid with a buzz cut and an ugly necklace walking across the Hawthorne Bridge the other day, the terrifying thought – “Oh my God, what if my kid wants to wear a NECKLACE?” Then there’s a chill little guy on the bus, helping his mom with some bags – I’m relieved. Basically, I’m walking around and judging everyone I see, so it’s not that different from not being pregnant.

Whether he wants to wear necklaces, or get terrible hair cuts, there are a few things important that we will instill in this child. One: You do not boo the home team.

We went to the Brooklyn game last week, and it was pretty terrible. Really terrible, for about 38 minutes. We got five minutes here and there of mini-runs, and a glorious five-minute stretch of third-string play that scared P.J. Carlissimo into putting his starters back in. Thanks for that, scrubs, but otherwise the most redeeming part of my evening was getting a hot fudge sundae. At one point in the first quarter, I had to confirm with my husband that JJ Hickson was indeed in a contract year, and that LaMarcus was the one who had been sick earlier that week. LaMarcus was the only once scoring, and he was doing it while hobbling on one good ankle. It was bad. The whole thing was bad. Bad effort. Not that much fun to watch.

You know what? Some games are bad.

You know what doesn’t help? Booing.

I go to Blazers games to have fun. Usually my team wins (because I used to be good luck like that, and also, home teams win most of the time). I really don’t get why you would pay $20 and up to go to a game and get pissed, especially in a situation like this – one team is fighting for seeding in the playoffs, and the other is barely hanging on to a mathematic possibility of entering them. Teams tend to play flat after coming off a long road trip. Your star player is obviously hurt.

Do you think booing will help?

Do you think booing will encourage your team to victory?

Are you familiar with the way the human brain works?

There’s no reason to create more negativity when a game is already a bummer. You cheer for the good plays, groan a little at the bad plays, and move on with your life. Don’t bring the arena down with you.

I don’t boo the Blazers. Neither will my kid. We’ll teach that little guy that being negative doesn’t help your team, and that you shouldn’t take a bad performance personally.

So show a good example, won’t you? You’ve got a few months and an offseason to clean up your acts.



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Andre Miller Appreciation Day

I was planning on doing a post about how awful Raymond Felton is and how he Ruins Everything, but the internet and his own big mouth are doing a fine job of that. Just search “Felton” on Twitter real quick. It’s all Hostess and botched dribbles. Thanks internet! Sometimes, your Twitters truly make my heart glad.

This frees me up to remember everything wonderful about Andre Miller, who is currently in my top five favorite players. Not best players. Favorite. It’s different. Calm down.

Here are some of the best Andre Miller moments as a Blazer, in no particular order.

1. His 52-point game against Dallas. I met my husband at a bar to watch this about halfway through, and we both thought that we had heard or seen his point total wrong. HE HAS HOW MANY?

2. The one time he dunked.

3. The fake time outs.

4. He admits to eating hot dogs in the off season – yet comes into the season in decent shape. INTERESTING.

5. Apparently, he loves to roller skate (placing him near and dear to my own heart).

6. He got mad at Nate McMillan and yelled at him. Then they worked it out and moved on. Like grownup people are supposed to do.

7. After Meyers Leonard dunked on him and acted like an idiot, Dre just scored on Meyers on the other end and made what was probably the game-winning play.


What did I miss?




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Brandon Roy in the house: Meh.

A few short months ago, I was full of feelings about the Brandon Roy situation. Rage. Regret. Dejection. I felt like someone was lying to us about his health, and wasn’t sure if it was the Blazers or Brandon himself. If we couldn’t have him, I didn’t want anyone else to have him either.

I guess things have changed.

Those breakup feelings have been tempered by time.  As for the ex, it’s been long enough that you can think of your time together fondly. You were sorry to lose him, but now you have this new guy you’re seeing who’s younger and takes all your attention. You’re off having fun with a team that’s playing better than expected and competing in close games (MOST of the time), so you’re not wallowing in what could have been.

Now Brandon Roy is just someone we used to know. When he comes up in conversation, I feel bad about what’s happened to him and his knees for a moment. Then I move on.

The fact that he’s coming to sit behind the Minnesota bench makes about as much effect on me as he will on the game.

He can sit there in a suit or not – I’ve got my closure.

What about you guys?

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I follow JJ Hickson on Twitter, and I mostly ignored his #girlbye tweets when they came through. It seemed like  a 33-year-old married lady wasn’t the prime audience for that inside joke. I’m fine with that.

Most of those tweets are just male versions of Dealbreakers, right?



So far, so good. Not offended one bit. He wants to shout out strippers? Hey, this is Portland. We have lots of them, and we appreciate when they do good work. I might not put that on my Twitter account if I had more than my 5 followers, but I can be overly cautious like that.

But one of these is problematic.


As a woman, my first thought when I read this is that it’s sexual. That if a woman asks her partner to stop in a sexual situation, that would make her undesirable.

Am I reading this wrong?

If so, how am I supposed to read it?

I guess I’m supposed to be “less sensitive” and not take it seriously. Well, sorry. I’m sensitive to rape culture. Maybe the Portland Trail Blazers should be too. Rape’s not a joke.

No, this one tweet is not a matter of life or death.  I realize that. I just hope the Blazers, in their “internal dealings” with the matter, used this as a teachable moment to show a bunch of influential young men that this kind of joke isn’t okay.

If you think I’m a harpy or a bitch for bringing it up – look inside yourself. I’m not hating on anyone. I’m angry about someone’s action. Everyone makes mistakes. Let’s just hope this mistake is seen for what it is.

Or explain to me what the joke was.


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Does LA need a(nother) nickname?

There are a few things that bug me when I go to a Blazers game:

1. No soft pretzels! At least, not in my lazy explorations. If there’s a soft pretzel vendor in the Rose Garden, please point me toward them.

2. The intros. They’ve introduced the visiting team, blah blah blah, okay. When they say “the Rose Garden is…” we’re supposed to say, “OUR HOUSE.” But it always turns out a little late. “So everyone get on your feet, ’cause here comes your home team!” The music’s pumping, everyone’s standing up and clapping in rhythm…and then the weird dramatic music starts. Clapping awkwardly peters out – we are no longer excited. We’re just watching TV now. The video is supposed to make us think that Meyers Leonard is some kind of jungle cat. They don’t even have shirtless line-running shots anymore! That was the best part!

3. People in the 300-level trying to get the blimp to come over to them, despite the laws of gravity dictating that they are never, ever, going to receive a prize dropped from it. Sad.

4. Announcers referring to LaMarcus Aldridge as “The L-Train.”


Have you ever had one conversation in your real, non-internet life when someone referred to LaMarcus as The L-Train? Does that nickname really conjure up the essence of his game? What’s wrong with plain old “LA”?

Does he need a new nickname?

La-AllStar – clunky but we get the point.

How do we feel about LaMonster?

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Mike Rice Drinking Game


Take a drink when Rice:

  • Emphasizes the word “reaaaaalllly”
  • Talks about the food he’ll eat at the next road game
  • Expresses regret for the amount of food eaten at halftime
  • Discusses referees’ perceived ability based on their jersey number
  • Successfully describes Rice’s Ridiculous Deal
  • Confirms that a player “can do that” or “will do that”
  • Doesn’t complete a sentence
  • Is referred to by himself or others as The Wild One or Wild Rice

Finish your drink when he:

  • Takes off his headphones to talk to the refs
  • Eats popcorn on camera
Alternately, if you or your buddy doesn’t drink or you’re pregnant or whatever, make a bet based on the game result. Every time you would “drink” toss a nickel or a dime or a quarter in a hat. Every time you would “finish” toss a buck in there. Whoever wins the bet takes home the pot.


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End of the sellout streak

So the Blazers’ “sellout streak” has come to an end. And yeah, Blazers muckety mucks – we know you didn’t sell out all those games to paying customers at full price. That team at the end of last year was not particularly compelling.

This is a terrible confession for someone who’s trying to start a Blazers fan blog, but: I only went to about one game last year. The season opener.

I know.

Our friends got season tickets, so my husband went with them a lot, and we didn’t end up getting any other tickets together. And I was really busy evenings and weekends. And we have cable.

Do you go to a lot of games? Why or why not?

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